Chapter 3: I Digress a Bit.

There is so much to say about this experience and about my life. To put it in linear fashion would probably be too boring. As I recall things I will include them in this blog. Sometimes I write things in response to articles in Scientific American Online or to Political sites, or to other Social Networking sites all of which I link to on my Twitter site http://twitter.com/newcarlton and then I may include them here.

Growing up, I was ambivalent about God. I was not interested in religion. I had feelings and experiences that I could not explain that probably should have indicated a spiritual connection but that is not where my interests were. I loved to play in and with Nature. I lived in East Los Angeles in the town of Rivera which later became Pico Rivera. There was a ditch behind my house that was part of the Los Angeles River drainage system. I loved to play with the poly wogs and tadpoles, frogs and bull frogs, crayfish, guppies, water spiders and all that was there. These were my friends. I put too much sugar on my cereal which made me hyperactive in school. I was always getting into trouble. In the First Grade my teacher put me outside of the classroom on a porched area. Under the row of windows was a little ledge and under the ledge were several black widow spiders and their nests. I was not afraid of them and they did not bother me but a voice in my head cautioned me about what might happen if another child was put there and they could get bitten. I did not have anything to kill them with so I made a fist and used the heel of my hand to smash the spiders and their egg sacks. When I was about 7 years old I was playing miles from home in the "Wash", the dry river bed of the Los Angeles River, when I heard my mother calling me. I rushed home. She said she hadn't called me but was about to. Sitting in church I often felt that I should be doing what the minister was doing at the altar but this did not make me want to seek the ministry as a profession. On the football field in High School I was on defense as the last person between the ball carrier and the goal line. I stood in front of the ball carrier but did not touch him. In my head I heard a very loud voice saying "where are you going to run, I am everywhere". The ball carrier stopped and just stood there until the Referee finally blew the whistle. The voice was so loud I thought everyone in the stands could hear it (the other player certainly did). Still, I didn't make anything of it and just continued in the game.

When I was in Hawaii I was surfing at Haleiwa on the North Shore of Oahu in the Fall. We were surfing the breaks about a quarter mile offshore when we saw larger waves start to "hump-up" about a quarter to a half mile further out. We turned our boards and started paddling to get beyond their breaking point. I was paddling up the face of a wave that must have been between 15 and 20 feet tall when it broke on me. The force of tons of water drove me to the bottom and drug me along with it for what seemed like an eternity. I kept feeling something bump me. At first I thought is was my surfboard but that was impossible as the board is much more buoyant and rose to the surface long ago. I could not see in all of the foam and turmoil that the wave caused but I knew that it had to be a dolphin and it pushed me to the surface saving my life. I had a long and difficult swim and I finally pulled myself up and onto the rocks that formed and sheltered the bay. A fisherman retrieved my board from the bay and returned it to me.

Both of my parents smoked and sometimes one of them would have me carry a lighted cigarette from one to the other on the other side of the house. I was very young and curious and so I would try to "smoke it". Of course I got my slobber all over it so they knew what I did but they did not punish me. When I was five or six years old some builders tore out a huge Orange Grove of trees near my home and built El Rancho High School. We made orange juice from our own four trees and sold it to the workers. I would pick up the butts of their cigars and cigarettes and smoke them. I bought my first pack of cigarettes from a vending machine. When I got caught by the gas station attendant I told him that I was buying them for my sick father. I was finally able to "kick the habit" after my spiritual experience.

I think that if I would have stayed in the Army that I would have become an alcoholic. The NCO Club was only about six or seven blocks from my barracks and mixed drinks were only 35 cents. Booze by the bottle was very cheap. Company parties always featured lots of beer. Alcohol relieved the stress, the lonliness and was just a part of Army life.

I was also very curious about sex and would play "doctor" with the girls when I was just five or six years old. I thought that what they had was far more interesting than what I had. That curiosity and fascination has never really left me. In all of physical creation there is nothing more wonderful, beautiful and fascinating than the anatomy of a woman. It is something that is always there. It is a part of life. It is something that I have had to reconcile and deal with as I have awakened to my spiritual nature. As I move closer and closer to God the things that I was and did must recede and fade as I begin to merge with my spiritual Reality. As I learned later, the word sex is an abbreviation for "sacred" or (sacral) "energy" for Christ (or the birth of the Christ). As we move toward our Christhood we must gain mastery over all forms of energy, including the "sex" energy. For some it is not a problem, for others it may be more difficult.

Forgiveness is the key. We all have our ups and downs. We vow to God that we will not make the same mistake again and then we slip and make that mistake again. God does not condemn us, he has forgiven us almost before we ask. We must not fall into the trap of condemning ourselves. The greatest sin against God is to declare ourselves unworthy. When we hold the concept of unworthiness about ourselves (or another), God cannot reach us; we set ourselves outside the circle of His protection. God in us is worthy. We are not sinners beyond sin with no hope of redemption. Even the most hardened criminal, arch deciever or fallen angel can and will be forgiven; all we need to do is ask. We are not this flesh and blood body. Our soul is fire of God's fire. He has placed His Unfed Flame in our hearts (more on this later). We must forgive ourselves and others and keep trying.

If anything, I feel even more in the company of Saints. Gautama Buddha lived in a luxurious palace with all manner of diversions before he had his awakening. Saint Francis of Assisi was a reveler before he was awakened. Saint Paul persecuted the Christians before the Light of Christ blinded his eyes and awakened him. God finds us where we are and His Light leads us out of our darkness. But, we need to learn how to work with Him and not against Him.

For the past two years since my experience with the Light and my awakening I had been tested and tried. There was a need to sharpen my sense of discernment of spirits as there are many that try to deceive and lead us astray. The first hitch hiker that I took to San Francisco was one. Much later I picked up another hitch hiker, this time a female, and she began to point out certain signs in me that indicated that I was an advanced spiritual being according to a certain book that I had read. She was sent by her guru to entice me into following them. They knew who I was and where I would be and that I would likely pick her up. There were many such occurrences and I had become very wary as I continued my quest to know and understand who I was, why the Light had awakened me, what it was that I was becoming, what it was that God wanted me to do for Him. I had an ever growing sense that there was a special someone that I needed to find, a person who knew more than I did, a person who could answer unanswered questions, a person who could guide me, teach me and show me how to serve God and to help save this planet and people.

On Tuesday, April 9, 1974 I was in the office of a Judge signing the Final Declaration for Dissolution of my marriage. I thought my life had ended. Even though we had been legally separated for a year according to the law, I still felt sad and depressed that I would not see my wife and children again. The next day I decided to go to the spiritual conference that I had learned about from the flyer on the bulletin board at school I was in the Registration area at the Ambassador Hotel, Wednesday, April 10, 1974 and my senses were tingling with excitement.